Reinstatement of the weekly post

I really want to go back to writing something about my life every week, but I feel uncomfortable writing here about where I’m going all the time. So instead of telling you about what’s on my to do list, I’ve resolved to write about what’s on my mind every week.

So, what is on my mind?

Not a whole lot. Or at least that’s my goal. I have been overthinking everything a lot lately. So, my resolve for this week is to enjoy the moment. Loosen up. Tell my loved ones sweet little nothings and make them laugh.

Not everything has to make sense. I don’t need my thinky brain all the time. Especially when I’m trying to be happy.


I recently discovered this interesting initiative by a German university to start teaching massively multi-user online courses. Free education for anyone who is interested. And the course that interested me most, was of course the one about storytelling.

It has inspired me to continue with that story I tried to write last year, the Cursecaster. I think I’ve figured out why I was stuck and what to do now. A bit of worldbuilding is in order…

I might post extracts from the story here as it progresses.


Like I wrote in this post, I believe we go through most of our life feeling somehow inadequate and incomplete. I look around and I see many people trying to solve that feeling. They promise themselves that one day they’ll be happy and perfect, if only…

…they were beautiful. Many people believe that all their problems will be solved somehow when they overcome their physical flaws, by dieting or surgery for example. Kate Harding once wrote an essay called “The Fantasy of Being Thin” that explains why hoping that your life will be all better when you’ve lost that weight can be such a disappointing quest.

…they were loved. Another big group of people believe that their life will be complete and perfect when they find true love. Elizabeth Gilbert explains in this video we shouldn’t expect others to complete us:

Make me feel complete… That is far too complex a problem to be solved by changing one’s physique, and it is far too much responsibility to just expect someone else to be able to do it for you. It can’t be solved by buying nice things, by a list of impressive achievements, and it certainly will not be solved by having high expectations of your children. You cannot burden them with your feelings of inadequacy, believe me, they will have their own.

I spend a lot of time explaining where it doesn’t come from. Because people are always looking in all the wrong places. It seems that the hardest thing to do, is to look at ourselves, accept the flaws we have, and believe that we are perfect and complete and beautiful anyway. Do not place your hope on outside forces, when the answer lies within.

steady as she goes

I’m still here, still unemployed, still not writing, still keeping busy. Emotionally I’m good. I’m thankful for all the good things in my life. My friends who call me and break through the silence, the people who appreciate the work I’m putting into this new larp we’ve been working on with Badger’s Business, thank you. I’m still a happy person, overall.

The work for our larp “Lange Leve de Koning” is piling up. The other day I was at a plotmeet, and my partners were explaining the mechanics of the royal succession to me. I had to take their word for it, it looks solid, but I certainly can’t keep score. I felt thankful that they are organising this thing with me, that I can trust in their know-how.

We were going over some backgrounds together, tying all of the loose ends together, connecting players to each other, and I managed to connect and reproduce details from backgrounds by heart. Inge smiled at me and said she was glad for that gift I have for being able to remember all of the players’ stories like that.

Players message me on facebook, telling me how they’re looking forward to the day in December when we can all don our costumes and enter this world of my creation, play out this scenario of my invention. It’s humbling to see how they’re enjoying this so much already.

The reality of organising a larp is, from my point of view, a lot of text, a lot of emailing, a lot of communication, explaining, editing and trying to retain information. A lot of reminding, a lot of agreeing and then adding new things to the story. Other people do beautiful things like crafting and costuming, and I admire them for it. I do a lot of running around, telling others how it should be, how much money we can spend, and worrying whether I didn’t forget anything.

On the weekend, I will be giving a lot of directions, and speeches, I’ll be organising information, trying to not freak out, and then freak out anyway. I will be told to eat something, drink something, go to sleep, and I probably won’t. I’ll try to enjoy watching my plot unfurl, watching the players do their thing, and try to anticipate. When it’s all over and done, I’ll say thank you and coordinate the cleaning up.

It seems like a lot of work. But just reading the backgrounds already makes it so worthwile. The players put so much trust in us, they write these stories, they dig their own graves, write their own legacy, and they trust us with that. They trust us to make it into an awesome story, a weekend they won’t easily forget, with drama, confrontation and death. Thank you. I hope I can live up to those expectations.