I wish I could concentrate on anything for longer than half an hour, but I feel very scatterbrained lately. Starting lots of new things and then forgetting about them or losing interest only days later. I’m sure a job would give me something to focus on, something to sink my teeth into, but alas. I just feel a little useless, I guess.
I had a dream early this morning in which Ork and Sna were organising a party for me. My mum was baking cake and there were a lot of strangers walking around our house. I remember seeing some strangers and walking up to them to ask them very politely to leave. “Sir, I don’t know you, and you happen to be in my bedroom. I would like to ask you to leave.” And the gentleman looked at me, and then looked at the dolphin in the swimming pool right next to him. I replied: “Yes, I am eccentric. I still want you to leave.”
There is no way I can possibly express my gratitude for all the beautiful people in my life and the gifts they grant me. But I want to try anyway.
Thank you for tolerating me; I am eccentric, I have quirks and flaws, I am far from perfect. I worry too much, I get carried away, I can be overly sensitive and I can be terribly dim. Yet you like me for some reason.
Thank you for being so kind and gentle with me; you have gone out of your way not to hurt me, you care about my needs and my well-being, you want to make me happier, to make my life better somehow. I noticed, and I have no idea why you deem me worthy of your attention. Thank you.
Thank you for just being you, for showing me your true face, for trusting me to come close and admire you. I’ve returned the favour and I’ve probably hurt your feelings somewhere along the line. I will probably do it again. Thank you for your patience and courage.
I’m honoured and humbled that you’re part of my life. I try to show it every time I see you. Thank you.
It seems the kidneystone is passed and life is returning to normal. My weeks consist of applications, visiting friends, chores and Bimfoodle, who likes having me around to open the door to the yard for him. I’m generally happy. Thanks for caring.
Why is it that I really don’t mind doing all the stuff that needs to be done and all the stuff no one wants to do at work, but I really don’t feel like doing anything like that at home? Maybe I should treat myself the way I’d like my boss to treat me. Maybe I should just be my own personal assistent for a while…
It’s not like I’m bored. We have the house in Eindhoven to worry about. And Badger’s Business. And the Maerquin ALV. And my book. And job applications. And the daily chores around the house.
To celebrate our 12th year together, Hubbie and I went to a hotel near Heerlen this weekend. It’s so strange to celebrate happy things when there is still grief and loss looming over us. I don’t care if my tears mean I’m sad or I’m happy. Love is sharing tears with your spouse.
Tomorrow is Monday again, and I’ll get back to business then, as my own personal assistent.
Almost christmas, what a perfect time to do a badgers business plotmeet. While the weather outside was frightful, we spent an entire day digging through player backgrounds and how to tie them into the plot. Very soon, the plotteam is going to send some emails with questions to the people who still have holes in their backgrounds, and role suggestions to our NPCs. In the first week of January, we aim to send updated backgrounds to all players, and the invitation to the NPC-day in Nieuwegein.
Christmas is a time for family dinners, and even though the funeral is still fresh in our memories, we will spend time with family. This is the first year that I cook a three course meal, with the wonderful ingredients and instructions of HelloFresh. I’m not promising pictures, because I’m not particularly fond of food pictures on facebook.
After christmas, the rest of the holidays are for the family we choose for ourselves, the people who support us time and time again through these difficult months, and who always manage to bring a smile to my face. I am thankful for the joy and love in my life, especially in these dark winter days.
This is my last week at work. I think it’s hard. There are christmas gifts and holiday greetings, lots of reasons to connect and care. And I have to disconnect and stop caring, because it’s not up to me.
The calendar is full of holiday cheers and dinners with people I love. I am grateful for the joy and friendship in my life.
And the material things. I’m grateful for that too. We have a comfortable new couch, we have some very nice videogames and we get wholesome food from HelloFresh.nl with easy instructions on how to cook it. (Let me know if you want to try it out, I can get you a discount)
Lots of things to be grateful for…
You’ll excuse me. Today is not a monday. But today is the day of the funeral. No doctor could make him better anymore and he didn’t want to make us unhappy by going in and out of the hospital for weeks. So he died last tuesday, at home, with his brother and his children beside him.
Hubbie and his sister are such champs, spending days on end at Dad’s house to get the funeral in order. Hubbie even wrote a speech. Meanwhile, I just have to keep going. My last workday is 18 december, and I can’t be sick or take another day off. I just won’t. I care about that place and about my manager and I want to see that I’m replaced and that she doesn’t miss me.
Anyway. Today I donned my black suit. Hubbie is nervous and we’ll probably leave the house way too early. He’s in charge now… And I just have to keep going.
Even though I had a very nice weekend, I have a lot on my mind right now. My father-in-law is not alright. We have moved him to a nursing home, but he’s out of breath as soon as he tries to get out of bed. Eating and drinking and taking all of his medication on time is problematic. Hubbie visits him often.
Meanwhile, I’m back on the job market. I will be available as a management assistent, office manager or website editor in January. If you know someone who needs a personal assistent, I am qualified and I have a glowing letter of recommendation from my current manager. Here is my CV.
My uncle funeral was last thursday. It gave me a lot of thoughts and ponderings about beliefs and values. Ask me about it sometimes, if you want to have an interesting allbeit serious conversation.
Today, I’m going to the wedding of a friend. I haven’t known her very long, she’s one of the new friends I’ve been making. My attention is shifting, away from my old boardgame friends who complain a lot about politics and work, away from the larpers who just want me to listen to their problems and agree with them, to people who really care about what I like and what goes on in my life. I’m glad and I feel fortunate to be able to distinguish between friend and acquaintance.
This will be the fifth wedding I go to this year. Only few people I know are still young and unmarried. It says something about my age, and what I’m supposed to be doing in life. I can’t count the amount of babies in my circle of acquaintances. And I don’t want to. Realising that I would have wanted a little blond flappy-eared Hubbie-clone still makes me cry. They are all moving on in life, with children and grandchildren, the way it’s meant to be. And I’m just stuck here, selfishly living for myself.
I’m going to wear my grey suit and a cloche hat. Because the bride loves hats and suits. I hope the weather will be nice to them. I hope to see a number of people I love today and give them hugs. I hope for many happy days to come.